Fingers crossed!

The profile for a sibling group was put on hold for them to review home studies. I know, I know, I know... but this one was put on hold just hours after our home study was sent to them!  That is positive, right? They are actually reviewing OUR home study! And they were not taken down for having 15 inquiries already, so... maybe... ?  

We have felt a lot of frustration (mainly stemming from my impatience)  about adoption, so far.  We have seen the awful statistics about time frames & interstate adoption realities (not to mention scary stuff about undiagnosed killed-the-kitten disorders that seem to pop up way too often in blogs).  But we remain hopeful that we will be the exception. Our adoptions will go smoothly & quickly while our kids will have been overdiagnosed with disorders that they either do not have, or are well on their way to overcoming.  It's nice to dream, right? 

Last night we had a conversation about trying for a biokid again.  There is part of me that wants to have the baby experience. Not necessarily the 'blood draw once a week' experience, but the 'what a sweet young family' experience. I think I will miss that part if we adopt first.  We will be a young family, (well, a thirty-something young family) but no one will know that these kids who have (let's say, for the sake of argument) awful behaviors and foul-mouthed vocabularies are NEW to us, too.  Is it horribly selfish to worry about how I will be judged as a mother rather than thinking about how much those misbehaving kids with sailor talk need me?  I have more time on my hand now than I will post kid(s) arrival, so I'm guessing I won't have much time to worry or think about much of anything other than making sure everyone is relatively clean and fed when we leave the house. Anyhow, we decided, essentially, to not really go out of our way to try for a bio baby, but not to go out of our way to NOT try, if you know what I mean. This isn't much of a difference from what have have been doing, but the idea of the maybe of it all... that's nice to have.  I think after the miscarriage last year, it was hard for me to view my body in that way without getting very very tired.  Soooo... We'll just see what happens!  

But for tonight, we drink.  :)  

What I want to say on Facebook:

Wow, looks like every last person on my news feed has a new baby in their lives these last two weeks. Congratulations every damn person but me!

I'm really glad you have had TWO kids in the time I've been trying to have one.  Four kids, four dads?  Lucky you for always hitting the fertility nail square on the head!  Yay you!

And, It's really great how YOU have made sure to share every ridiculous detail of your daughter-in-law's pregnancy with me as I was trying to recover from my miscarriage.  Now that the kid is born, oh YES I can't wait to see all 862 photos of your rather hideous grandchild!

And OH the nieces & nephews!  Babies for EVERYONE!

I'm going to check out the news sites now... oh, why lookie there, William and Kate.

...

Sigh.

The Two Week Wait

Mr Smiley on the ovulation test has gone back into hibernation & I am officially in the churning emotional waters of the Two Week Wait.

During the first few official TWWs we went through, I felt excited.  We had moved from randomly hoping a pregnancy would show up just from doing nothing to stop it, to watching for a happy face to appear in an attempt to target that lil' ovum more precisely.  Dropping almost $50 a month on something to pee on seemed like a great step in the right direction. I was able to know when my body was gearing up to open the gates- not unlike the beginning of a horse race.  We could try to catch that little horse as he made his way down the midway.

After the miscarriage, I switched to the "advanced" Mr Smiley who is flashy to indicate higher  estrogen levels and then turns steady for 2 days to indicate the LH surge.  Because this extra level of smiley-hood, THAT must be what I've been missing. blink.

These days, I feel like doing the LH test is just a part of the morning routine, like brushing my teeth or feeding the dogs.  It almost doesn't seem connected to the possibility of a pregnancy.

A year and a half into the beginning of a journey.

So, I'm thinking that I want to be a mom.... and at this point, I'm not sure what that means for me. Will this become an adoption blog?  an infertility blog?  a new mom blog?  The hubs and I have been trying to join our cute little gametes for 1 year and 6 months.  There was a brief stint with a short-lived pregnancy a few months ago, but it failed miserably on our first wedding anniversary (as in: happy anniversary honey, I'm going to go miscarry the baby now. yeah. so... that happened.)  I guess technically the amount of time TTC is less the 11 weeks we had, in fact, C-ed.

The beginning of July marked the crossover from the time I might've been a first-time mom before I turn 35 and the new reality that I will be at least 35 when I become a mom.  That is, of course, if my children have not been conceived and/or born by now. And even then, the chances are slim I could become their mom in the next 9 months.  This is, in reality,  not a huge deal, but in my head it is.  I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm over 30- or that I'm actually one of the grown ups, for that matter.  Having an automatic 'elderly primigravida' written on the chart seems unreal. 

Already,  I have misled you a little.  I do know one thing for certain. This will not be a traditional TTC blog.  Although we are, in fact, TTC, I am not interested in medical intervention to make that happen. I am not willing to drug myself up or think about my ovaries in bloom or any of those other magical things that I have to skim over in other blogs so I don't end up over-thinking anything and... let's be honest, passing out. I'm just not awesome at handling unnecessary invasive procedures. This, in addition to the overwhelming costs associated with it (neither of our insurance plans cover infertility in any way- do any?),  leads me straight down the path of adoption.  

We are currently just poking around the adoption idea, really. We are also still watching every month for the smiley face to stop flashing on the LH surge tests, and it has actually only been three months since the miscarriage, although it seems much much longer.  I'm very tired of that smiley face. very tired. Researching adoption has been a fresh source of hope for me. 

And so here I am.  Almost a year and a half into the beginning of a journey.