Fingers crossed!

The profile for a sibling group was put on hold for them to review home studies. I know, I know, I know... but this one was put on hold just hours after our home study was sent to them!  That is positive, right? They are actually reviewing OUR home study! And they were not taken down for having 15 inquiries already, so... maybe... ?  

We have felt a lot of frustration (mainly stemming from my impatience)  about adoption, so far.  We have seen the awful statistics about time frames & interstate adoption realities (not to mention scary stuff about undiagnosed killed-the-kitten disorders that seem to pop up way too often in blogs).  But we remain hopeful that we will be the exception. Our adoptions will go smoothly & quickly while our kids will have been overdiagnosed with disorders that they either do not have, or are well on their way to overcoming.  It's nice to dream, right? 

Last night we had a conversation about trying for a biokid again.  There is part of me that wants to have the baby experience. Not necessarily the 'blood draw once a week' experience, but the 'what a sweet young family' experience. I think I will miss that part if we adopt first.  We will be a young family, (well, a thirty-something young family) but no one will know that these kids who have (let's say, for the sake of argument) awful behaviors and foul-mouthed vocabularies are NEW to us, too.  Is it horribly selfish to worry about how I will be judged as a mother rather than thinking about how much those misbehaving kids with sailor talk need me?  I have more time on my hand now than I will post kid(s) arrival, so I'm guessing I won't have much time to worry or think about much of anything other than making sure everyone is relatively clean and fed when we leave the house. Anyhow, we decided, essentially, to not really go out of our way to try for a bio baby, but not to go out of our way to NOT try, if you know what I mean. This isn't much of a difference from what have have been doing, but the idea of the maybe of it all... that's nice to have.  I think after the miscarriage last year, it was hard for me to view my body in that way without getting very very tired.  Soooo... We'll just see what happens!  

But for tonight, we drink.  :)  

Approval- check!

Since being approved on the 13th,  I've discovered that the adoption process requires a lot of patience.  We were put back into the hands of our state's adoption lady, so our home study social worker is no longer in the picture.  And, for the past two weeks, that's been pretty much all I have to report.  

We did register on adoptuskids.org, so we are able to get extra disability & allergy information without having to make an inquiry... on the roughly 4% of kids who are not protected by local laws. We have sent our home study to one child's social worker in a different state that we found on the website and to a local (in-state) social worker to be considered for a sibling group that was emailed to us (and all state families in our shoes). 

I'm not sure how long it takes the kids' social workers to make a decision, so now we wait.  If any other child/children come up that we are interested in being considered for, we ask our adoption lady to send our home study to them too.  

It really isn't very exciting at this point- especially since I've been fighting tummy issues & the weather has been so awful.  It's just an ordinary life, except we read more profiles about kids than most people. :)  

 

splitting a sib group

It is one week before Christmas. Today our "inspiration children"  were taken off the list of available kids.  Surprisingly, I felt happy for them & their Christmas family.

Then the youngest was re-posted alone.

I am heartbroken for him & his siblings.  Another loss in their young lives. I don't know the situation, and couldn't possibly guess (nor is it my business) what happened with the older two, but I'm thinking of him tonight & hoping he doesn't feel too alone.  I'm hoping he has a wonderful foster family who is able to console him & hug him tight.

Adopting older kids from foster care is really really difficult sometimes. Even knowing the kids all have heartbreaking stories in their past, it is humbling to watch the small window I have into their lives as more heartbreak unfolds.  I spent what was probably too much time weaving a story of what "could" have happened and how it "may still"  become a happily-ever-after story.  My husband thinks I'm a little nuts, but I needed to find that possibility in order to process the emotions of the day.  I can't imagine how a child copes with this stuff. I hope he can imagine a happily-ever-after story for himself.  

Completing the home study

We have scanned and emailed all of our paper work to our home study agency.  I'm not sure if our SW will want to come back out to the house to visit or not.  I'm guessing so since she hasn't seen our fire extinguishers in place, but she indicated that she was going to try to finish up our home study by the end of the week, with no mention of another visit.

Our first visit was very positive.  The pets all behaved perfectly, our house was pretty well organized, however I did not go too far out of my way to make it any cleaner than I would if it were my parents coming to visit.  We still had that box of mail that we need to go through someday sitting in the corner of our dining room, for instance. All in all, it was a good time and our social worker was very friendly. It was not an intimidating visit in the least.

It's very exciting setting up the kids' rooms, although we are holding off any decorating until we know for sure who we are getting. Part of the reasoning behind this is to involve them in the decor decisions as part of transitioning.  We want them to feel like the rooms they move into are really THEIR rooms. We want them to take ownership of the spaces, but also doing things to set up their rooms gives us something concrete to do as a family those first few weeks rather than staring terrified at each other wondering what to do next. On some level, I'm also hoping that doing these things during the "honeymoon" period & giving them some pride of ownership will prevent them from destroying everything once the "testing our love" phase begins.

After the home study is complete, our social worker will present us to the state's adoption board.  The state will then approve us (hopefully!) as adoptive parents. We will then be in contact with our state adoption specialist and will start the matching process.  At this point, the kids I've considered my "inspiration kids"  are still posted online.  If they remain there when we are approved, they will be the first inquiry we make.

becoming a new parent is scary.

If you build your family in the traditional way, there is a good two-year long period where you can mess up without the kid remembering what a terrible first time new parent you were. When you adopt older kids, there is no grace period.   You better be somewhat competent from the get-go, really.

This is my fear.

So... it makes me nervous that I have absolutely NO experience in making decisions about a child with someone else's input involved. But that's ok, right? Because what first-time-parent HAS that experience?

With adopting older kids, I also feel like we will not get as much of a grace period from our mommy & daddy peers, either.  If we were pregnant for 9 months and bringing home a tiny new baby, I can imagine people exchanging those knowing & amused looks with each other. "Aren't they cute? New parents are so fun to watch! such nerds..."

 (This scenario also includes several stories about poop.  I'm not sure why.  Parents love talking about their kids' poo stories from baby & toddlerhood.)

Will we get the same freedom to call our family and tell them "we need a break NOW" or to confess that we have no idea how much food to put on a 9 year old's plate?

I'm honestly feeling a little bashful to even type this stuff out.  I am fully aware I'm over-reacting. DEEP BREATH. The last adoption class is in two days, so it's all feeling suddenly very real & there is a lot of  pressure that comes with that.

Being responsible for the lives of children is scary stuff.  I need to be easier on myself if I expect  anyone else to be, eh?