My Back.

Within the space of one year, I found out I was gonna be a mom, then found out i was gonna be a mom of 2, and then found out the back pains I thought were caused by the odd ways that I pulled the baby from his bassinet up to the bed to nurse were in fact never going to go away or get better. It has taken me almost two years to get a little bit used to the first two things and now I'm thinking more and more about the last.

 Five years ago, we moved into a home that needed (and needs) a lot of DIY TLC. Four and a half years ago, I got a masters degree in lifting heavy boxes, essentially (i.e. archives). 3 years ago, I started working with wood- building cabinets and shelves, dreaming of heavy projects requiring long hours of standing and bending while holding heavy machines that cut and sand. That was the point when, as this all rolls into one ball of my life, this back problem sneaks in and waves at me, a little bit ashamed of itself, but still just as cruel as it can be. I had two babies under a year old at the time, so I just slid it to the back burner and concentrated on them.

 For a long time, I just concentrated on the formula and the diapers and the constant rotation of tiny clothes. Now, another summer has come and more projects are presenting themselves. More free lumber is posted on Craigslist and I have my husband pick it up for me. Not only is there still no time for projects involving lumber and power tools, now I wonder how much I can even do. I take pills just to make it through a day of diaper changes and making lunch. Can i even pull nails and sand planks? I am starting to realize that outside of being a mom, which I love even if i do cry a lot from being so damn tired as the kids provide me with months on end of teething- taking turns like good siblings... Anyhow, outside of being a mom... I'm not sure what I have going on anymore.

My career, should I ever return to it, is shot unless I find the holy grail of jobs that lets me do the heavy lifting in bytes instead of pounds. My hobbies are going to be very very difficult if they are possible at all, and... well, it's just hard to dream now. I feel like my body is rejecting my life and my mind is so tired and sleep deprived, I can't lose myself in a book or such things. I just feel a little lost. I know a lot of that is exacerbated by the sleep deprivation and the tiny people having daily scream-offs in my living room, but the idea that things MAY look better after a good 15 hour nap doesn't stop it from getting me down now. Especially today where I had to take an extra pill over what i normally try to take simply because I dared to do some laundry.

So today I'm just taking a little time to let it sink in and to let myself wallow, I guess.

we check the shower for syrup bottles

The kids are now 16 months and 8 months old. My daughter is very interested in stacking things; her favorites include wooden candlesticks and whatever food she can pull out of the pantry cupboard to relocate before we stop her.  My son is rolling all over the place and is pretty satisfied with this mode of transportation, however he often can be found in a push up position staring at a toy and in this way seems to be meditating on the idea of crawling. They are both cute and smart and I am very proud of them.

The complete exhaustion and regular bouts of crying (well, MY regular bouts anyway) have gone.  There are days that are difficult, obviously, but it isn't an all consuming see saw of bottles and diapers anymore, although there are still TONS of bottles and diapers, don't get me wrong.  There are just larger gaps between them and, where bottles are concerned, less of a need for my involvement in holding &/or picking it up repeatedly as it keeps slipping away.

At 16 months, my daughter has matured enough that I can trust her to stay in the same room with the baby if I go do something crazy like fix lunch or move the laundry around.  I often find my son with one of his cloth books, a sock, or something else random that his sister has given to him while I was gone which makes him super happy. He laughs. She laughs at his laugh, he laughs at her laugh... and we just have a house full of giggles until one of them pukes or drops something loud.

Everyone asks how they are together, and the simple answer is that I expect they will be great pals and loving siblings as they grow up because they make each other very happy even now.

So the flip side to all of this lovely joy is that I've been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, which basically means a couple of the cushy discs between my vertebrae have gone south and it hurts a lot.  I'm in physical therapy in an attempt to train my back to use other parts of my spine more and the bum discs spot (in my lower thoracic area) less. This training also hurts, so all told, i'm in a lot of pain pretty much all of the time (as opposed to before I started PT, when I was mostly only in pain when I hadn't moved much like first thing in the morning).  I'm hoping this all works out soon because I'd love to play on the floor with my kids and you know... not cry when I have to unexpectedly lean over for a long time... like if there is a diaper explosion while my son sleeps and I have to try to clean him up while containing to poo AND not waking him up since it is, let's say, 4 am and he finally just went to sleep before his diaper suddenly stopped containing what he was putting in it. blink.

I'm so lucky my husband is so involved and willing to step in at night.  Really, he does essentially all of the post-midnight baby stuff before getting up super early and heading to work. Because our 8 month old still sleeps like a 3 month old- even requiring a few night time feedings- my husband is really remarkable to do this. Particularly because my back is most painful in the night and I get kind of cussy when I'm both sleepy and in pain...  as it turns out. :-/

My oldest baby is almost 1!

Being a mom to two under one has been hard.  super hard.

I probably cry from just being exhausted at least twice a week. There are far too many days that end with me feeling like I've done nothing but feed babies and coax them to sleep for hours on end. Sometimes I forget to eat and the dogs are always shedding faster than I an sweep. However, it has been an amazing year watching my daughter grow and mature from being a helpless & serious newborn into a funny and determined toddler (well, almost toddling). I've enjoyed experiencing pregnancy with my son and watching him go from being a 10th percentile helpless newborn to being a 90th percentile 3 month old.  Also, his giant smile is pretty great.

I'm headed into the last two weeks of having two under one. I can't say I won't miss my daughter's babyhood- I already feel the finality of the rare times she sleeps on my chest.  I feel sad that I missed so many of these naps and so much snuggling her when she was smaller because I was so pregnant and she was so kicky at around 6 months old.  She was an amazing baby.  BUT, I am looking forward to knowing her as a toddler, to the times when my kids will be closer in size and ability.  It will be wonderful to see them interact on their own terms. Right now, we have to carefully watch to make sure my daughter's head pats don't turn into grabbing chunks of his hair.  I love hearing her talk and I can't wait to be able to understand more of it.  The next year will be tough in new ways, but I'm really excited about it.  I will probably cry from being exhausted 3 times a week instead, but it will all be worth it.

Adoption Day! What happens at the adoption hearing.

We had our finalization hearing on Nov. 20th.  It only took about 15 minutes, but was amazing and perfect. Our daughter, now 5 and a half months old, slept through it, of course, since it was during nap time. First they basically introduced the case for the record and asked to see the baby (she was sleeping in her stroller).  Our lawyer joked that they'd have to come to see her because we weren't going to wake a sleeping baby, but I picked her up and held her.

They called my husband to the stand to testify first and had him spell his name for the record. They reminded us that she would not qualify for a stipend, since she was "practically perfect in every way" & asked him if we'd be financially able to handle the burden of raising this child.  They asked what sort of work my husband does, what type of dogs and cat we have, and how he would describe the baby.  His description was pretty much how every new dad would describe their 5 month old daughter, except in our case she really IS the most adorable, most clever, and most fun baby in the world!

I was called next, passing the baby to my husband on his way back. Aside from spelling my name, was spared a lot of the questions because the judge asked if I would have answered the same as my husband.  I was then asked to describe the baby, which I think is more for the parents than the courts.  It's really a chance to gush on about how much you love your baby in front of a court recorder, which is a chance I welcome, personally!  :) Let it be on the record that my baby is fantastic!   I told them we are honored and lucky to be her parents.

The judge ordered that we are officially her legal parents and said he would issue the decree!  Before we left, the official adoptive parents/kid/judge photos were taken and our family could come up and take some camera phone photos at the same time.  Actual cameras were not allowed through security! (IKR?!)  Our little one started waking up as picture time began so we have some photos of a very confused looking baby!

The court workers, including the judge told us how adorable she is and congratulated us ... and poof!  we were parents!   We were given a few copies of the decree a few minutes after leaving the courtroom.

Oh, Baby!

I am so very sorry for delay in updates since I announced rather shortly that we were chosen to parent the newborn girl!

First, I can't even begin to describe how wonderful this little girl is.  She is very self-structured and has slept through the night since the 4th day home as well as taking regular naps in the morning and afternoon.  According to her pediatrician, we should be prepared to parent a very intelligent child because she is far ahead of the curve on all of her milestones.  She loves being passed around at family functions, but when she's feeling sleepy, she wants her parents (that's US!).  She will be 4 months old in a couple of days & is just a joy.

All of that being said, the first couple of months were tough. I got to spend every day with this amazing newborn who was practically the dream child of everyone who has ever had a newborn.  And I could barely get off the couch.  It started just a few weeks after she came home & began to really worry about myself-  was I experiencing post-adoption depression? was I much less fit than I thought and a newborn, even a magically easy newborn, was just wiping me out?  I cried a lot and slept as much as she did. I hated eating anything and woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible nauseous headache that usually resulted in my throwing up or collapsed on the bathroom floor for an hour.

Finally, on the advice of my mother, I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment... which they lost due to a 'new system' error... twice. I asked them if they could just order a blood test, since I assumed that would be the result of the appointment anyway.  I was particularly interested in a thyroid screening since those sorts of issues run in my family and Dr. Google seemed to point me in that direction.  They did, and did a general panel as well.

A few days later, I got an after hours call  from the doctor himself (not an assistant or nurse!), which of course I missed.  His voicemail message asked me to call first thing in the morning if I didn't hear from the assistant first.  Naturally I assumed the worst about the results and started wondering if we could keep on with the adoption if, say, I had to go through chemo... or whatever.  The next morning, the phone rang at 7:45.  The assistant said:  Everything looks good- you are very healthy!  But... well, you know you are pregnant right?

UM... NO!??!

So, that is also going on now.  The adoption should be finalized, according to our lawyers, by the end of October, if all goes smoothly with some other dates coming up.  Then, in late February, we will have our second child.   It's ok, you can laugh. That's what we did for the first week after finding out!

Lots more to update, of course, but for now, the baby is sleeping and I would like to join her.

Match Interview & finished nursery!

On Friday, we went to our match interview.  I believe about 6 families were interviewed as prospective parents, but I'm not completely sure.  We got so see a couple of pictures of the little girl they are trying to place & she is beautiful.

There were ten people on the panel as interviewers, however the head of the department was the one who asked us almost all of the questions.  It was fairly painless, with questions about our hobbies, our financial status, and our expectations for a child.  To be clear, the financial questions were mostly just verifying some of the things written in the home study as well as making sure we understood that this child will not have a stipend or be covered by medicaid, like many kids adopted from DCS would.  Nothing we weren't expecting.  They asked us how we resolve conflicts and our ideas on discipline.  I feel like it went pretty well, but of course one never knows about the "competition".   We are strong candidates, I think, so if another family is chosen, I'm confident that they are also an amazing family.  Still though, they should obviously choose us.  :)

In the mean time we finished (mostly) our nursery! We began it as a room for foster babies, so it is more complete than we probably would have had it if we were not planning to foster- a room devoted to a baby that may never come is pretty discouraging, but we are fairly confident we'd get placed with a foster sib group that includes a little one... and very hopeful that we might put off the foster scenario for a bit because of a new baby...  I still need to hem the curtains and the fabric draped over the chair is a stand-in for a future rocker or glider, but other than that... yay! At least one room in the house is totally put together.  We have had so many overlapping projects, it has been difficult to keep any order.  THAT, however, is what I'm supposed to be working on now, so... I'll update with news when I have any to tell!  Fingers crossed!

Post-class nerve-citement

We finished our adoption classes Saturday afternoon!  I found the classes very informative.  I was asked by family if the classes made us want to run away & the surprising answer is no!   I guess this was the goal of DCS, but we actually came out of the classes feeling more prepared & with a better understanding of not only the process, but the emotions involved with the process.  We feel relatively secure in our positions of future mommy & daddy.  AND not all of the information was what we'd already seen online, which was our fear... Okay, a lot of it was... but the anecdotes were good add-ins and made it seem more real. :)

I even made a friend-  another mommy-to-be who is interested in adopting sibs. We both look forward to having someone to call who knows just what we are going through.  This was a great surprise since all sources seem to indicate people looking to adopt siblings are rare... even more rare are those who don't have kids at home already who are going from 0 to 3 (which is what we both are interested in).   She also has a set of "inspiration kids"  and we were both very glad to hear that her set and my set are not the same set, although our similar frequenting of the adoptuskids.org site let us each be familiar with the other's set of "inspiration kids".  Additionally, the trainer overheard us talking about these kids and said she had wondered who we were interested in.  I don't know why that made me feel good but it did.  Someone who knows us a little more than through email knows we are interested in THIS set of kids. And didn't seem to think it was a crazy idea... :)

Theoretically, of course, they are JUST inspiration kids, we should not get too attached to a photo and mini-bio. But, let's be honest. It was an amazing relief to realize we aren't dreaming about the same kids so we didn't have to see each other as competition.  Also, there is a possibility that I will be heartbroken if (yeah, ok, when) these kids get adopted before we've gotten to the point to throw our parental hats in the ring, or, worse, if we have reached that point and are not the chosen parents.


Right now is a waiting period.  We have finished our classes, but do not have any information about the home study yet.  I'm busying myself with beginning to clear out closets & otherwise organize all the catch-all type piles that have lived in the rooms which will belong to the kids.  Not the most glamorous aspect of preparing for kids (I'll let you know if I do find a glamorous aspect), but necessary.

becoming a new parent is scary.

If you build your family in the traditional way, there is a good two-year long period where you can mess up without the kid remembering what a terrible first time new parent you were. When you adopt older kids, there is no grace period.   You better be somewhat competent from the get-go, really.

This is my fear.

So... it makes me nervous that I have absolutely NO experience in making decisions about a child with someone else's input involved. But that's ok, right? Because what first-time-parent HAS that experience?

With adopting older kids, I also feel like we will not get as much of a grace period from our mommy & daddy peers, either.  If we were pregnant for 9 months and bringing home a tiny new baby, I can imagine people exchanging those knowing & amused looks with each other. "Aren't they cute? New parents are so fun to watch! such nerds..."

 (This scenario also includes several stories about poop.  I'm not sure why.  Parents love talking about their kids' poo stories from baby & toddlerhood.)

Will we get the same freedom to call our family and tell them "we need a break NOW" or to confess that we have no idea how much food to put on a 9 year old's plate?

I'm honestly feeling a little bashful to even type this stuff out.  I am fully aware I'm over-reacting. DEEP BREATH. The last adoption class is in two days, so it's all feeling suddenly very real & there is a lot of  pressure that comes with that.

Being responsible for the lives of children is scary stuff.  I need to be easier on myself if I expect  anyone else to be, eh?