My Back.

Within the space of one year, I found out I was gonna be a mom, then found out i was gonna be a mom of 2, and then found out the back pains I thought were caused by the odd ways that I pulled the baby from his bassinet up to the bed to nurse were in fact never going to go away or get better. It has taken me almost two years to get a little bit used to the first two things and now I'm thinking more and more about the last.

 Five years ago, we moved into a home that needed (and needs) a lot of DIY TLC. Four and a half years ago, I got a masters degree in lifting heavy boxes, essentially (i.e. archives). 3 years ago, I started working with wood- building cabinets and shelves, dreaming of heavy projects requiring long hours of standing and bending while holding heavy machines that cut and sand. That was the point when, as this all rolls into one ball of my life, this back problem sneaks in and waves at me, a little bit ashamed of itself, but still just as cruel as it can be. I had two babies under a year old at the time, so I just slid it to the back burner and concentrated on them.

 For a long time, I just concentrated on the formula and the diapers and the constant rotation of tiny clothes. Now, another summer has come and more projects are presenting themselves. More free lumber is posted on Craigslist and I have my husband pick it up for me. Not only is there still no time for projects involving lumber and power tools, now I wonder how much I can even do. I take pills just to make it through a day of diaper changes and making lunch. Can i even pull nails and sand planks? I am starting to realize that outside of being a mom, which I love even if i do cry a lot from being so damn tired as the kids provide me with months on end of teething- taking turns like good siblings... Anyhow, outside of being a mom... I'm not sure what I have going on anymore.

My career, should I ever return to it, is shot unless I find the holy grail of jobs that lets me do the heavy lifting in bytes instead of pounds. My hobbies are going to be very very difficult if they are possible at all, and... well, it's just hard to dream now. I feel like my body is rejecting my life and my mind is so tired and sleep deprived, I can't lose myself in a book or such things. I just feel a little lost. I know a lot of that is exacerbated by the sleep deprivation and the tiny people having daily scream-offs in my living room, but the idea that things MAY look better after a good 15 hour nap doesn't stop it from getting me down now. Especially today where I had to take an extra pill over what i normally try to take simply because I dared to do some laundry.

So today I'm just taking a little time to let it sink in and to let myself wallow, I guess.